The journal of a complicated girl

So...I haven't posted here in a long time, but that's because a lot of things have changed in just this month alone. I am now a single woman..so far.. actually I don't know if I'm really single anymore, I've met someone really special who means the world to me. Everytime I'm mad, he can just calm me down and relaxes me.. It's great to find someone who can do that. He's great. Anyways, yes me and my ex are so far long gone. i did so much for him and he's such a little kid, it amazes me. The only thing that stops me from having a relationship with this guy is that I'm fucking scared shitless. I have never felt so right about someone before. We'll see.. It all depends on the weather.

Anyways I thought I would write even if it's a line or two to let you know that I'm alive..

Sometimes I feel like if I'm just waking up from a nightmare, that was the night my house burned. There is so many things I wish I had, so many moments I wish I could go back to and erase. The one thing that made me the happiest  in my entire life was having the opportunity to work as a graphic designer. That was my dream job, that was the day I realized that I am meant for that business. My life felt complete and I felt on top of the world.

I had the chance to create beautiful pieces that represented clients who advertised in our website. I also realized that I love the advertising business.

I know that I have so much to learn about myself and slowly, I'm becoming me. I keep repeating in my head that I'm about to give up the dream of being a POOR graphic designer all for my want for becoming a FINANCIALLY STABLE nurse. I don't really know if I'm willing to do that. I want to make myself happy. I want to be a risk taker, a person who never gives up no matter how broke they are. I have never once given up and it feels that part of me is gone.

I do not give up, no matter how hard or far my dream may be. My entire life, ever since I was 10 at least, I've wanted to create, design, build websites and make artwork for clients that represented their company. I am not by any means a nurse, I did want to go into nursing after high school, but being at the High School that I went to made me realize who I am...a designer. I am proud to say that because it's a part of who I am and going into nursing makes me feel like I'm giving up that part of me.

I dream of going to the Art Institute (my dream school!) yet it feels like I can't because of my residency situation here in the United States. I'm not yet a resident, but not illegal. I don't care if I get in lots of debt going to this school, I will do it because it's what I've always wanted to do. Going through my old pictures, I see a glow in my face that I no longer see.

I don't know what to do because right now I'm going to be admitted to UNLV (University of Nevada, Las Vegas) as a nursing major, but I might as well take my required classes and at least start off somewhere since my dreams of going to the Art Institute seem far fetched. I'm going to try to get my citizenship in order. I rather be happy than have money, that's for sure.

My life seems to be moving at a very fast pace and I'm extremely happy to say that I will start school in the fall. Full time to become a Registered Nurse (RN). I have a job that I actually enjoy. I think it's all about the attitude you portray in your everyday life. Right now, I'm sipping on a beer at my in-laws house because we're (me and J) are staying the night so his grandma doesn't have to be alone. It's my day off, yay!

The only complaint I have is moving, after the fire we moved into this beautiful home (that's almost half a mil) but it's not ours. My parents recently bought a new house that we're moving into this weekend. I'm soo not looking forward to the moving process, but I am happy to say that we are moving into our NEW home. =)

And just for laughs and giggles, here's an old picture of my senior prom.

Yes, me and my fiance have been together since High School ;)

So I'm happy because my writer's block seems to be gone and I finally feel like I can update!! I'm excited, 2 of my beautiful and talented neighbors wrote a comment which made my day.

I even have a job interview on Friday for a receptionist position, we'll see how that goes..I'm trying to be positive and continue every day by thinking of the future ahead instead of dwelling in the negative aspect of my life.

So I am going to continue to further on my career as a graphic designer by making personal things for my neighbors here at vox, so if you want me to make you anything special, let me know! :-D

I loathed:

• Annoying callers today
  
• Mean doctors

• Not making a mistake in any of my calls
  
• Not getting yelled at for stupid stuff
  
• Thinking of a good color scheme for a new layout (purple and green)
  
• Coming home to my doggies
  
• Getting a lot of good calls today, and many thank you's for people I helped out
• Singing in my car
• A good day, for once, even when I thought it would be bad.
• The new Janet Jackson cd
• My inspiration: my amazing parents
  

  Myheros

Been feeling depressed lately and I don't really know what to do about it. I know what's causing this, yet it feels like I can't fix it. I really want a job as a graphic designer again, the only reason I quit that job was because they were causing fraud, but I feel like I have so much to give and that's really where my passion is. I don't like answering freaking phones all day long

I feel like I should start looking for a job doing what I love to do, instead of killing myself not wanting to go to work. I know it's money that I make for 8 hours, but its not worth it to me.

I deal with rude, angry people all day long and I'm pretty much fed up with it. I knew this would happen, I knew going back to this place that once was my job would make me feel depressed and it would only make me feel like I was moving backwards instead of forwards with my life.

I'm trying not to give up, and keep this job while I go to school but it's hard having a job you hate with all your heart!!!

I don't know what to do, most days, I don't even like waking up..

I'm trying not to wake up the lover as I type this. As you all know I suffer from an obsession most girls have to accept to deal with. A compulsion of cosmetics and skin care.

The worst part is- I'm breaking out. BAD, actually I was freaking out horribly a couple of weeks ago, but whatever I'm doing is helping my skin clear up. It's almost a bit embarrassing what I'm about to show you, but oh well, it's my blog and it's for visual purposes only so oh well. :-P

Badacne

Nomakeup

Life has been filled with a lot of sadness in my life during this past couple of months. I'm going to write while I procrastinate and once again, fail to clean my beastly and VERY unsanitary bathroom.

I have taken a step back (but I'm not at all under any despair about it, I'm actually really happy) I'm going back to my Answering Service job. That's my family, and will always be my home. I got the job and I'm getting paid okay for working full-time now, part-time by August. I start school in August and that is one thing that makes working there, worth it.

I'm going to the University of Las Vegas, Nevada to pursue my bachelor of fine arts, concentrating on Graphic Arts. I also plan to take a BUNCH of advertising and web developmental classes. I'm excited as hell, things have never seem to be going this great. Now I just gotta figure out a way to save tons of money.

My energy, enthusiasm and inspiration seems to be at an all time high, I'm sure I'll come down from cloud 9 when I'm exhausted, but for now. I am looking forward to my future.

Wow, it's 12:15am in the morning, I have to wake up at 6a and can't sleep.. help!!!!

I had quite an interesting dream last night that felt like it actually woke me up to face reality. It reminded me of the reasons why I have pushed some people away out of my life. I feel like I had been wrapped up in a blanket of weakness. The passion that I once felt for someone seems to be slowly disappearing and I can't say that I'm not happy about this. In a way I almost feel manipulated by the way my life has turned lately.

I owe to myself to move on. To continue my life with no regrets. I know I can't go on further details to reveal my personal life, but I'm sure if they're reading, they understand. All I wanted to do was talk, but now that I feel that you have nothing to say to me, I feel I must move on and start making myself happy. 

I want to work for MAC extremely bad!!! This year, it is my resolution to get a job at a store like Macy's, Nordstrom's or whatever retail-beauty place so I could do make up, all day, everyday! I will never get bored.. Hope everyone is having a blast celebrating on "whatever you're doing" for New Years.

I will post maybe a video here later of my festivities, have fun, but above all be safe. Five O I'm sure will be hot!